by Gail Jean Nicholson, MA, LPC
Psychotherapist & Vocational Divorce Coach
Cook Time: Several Months
Ingredients:
You and your spouse make a decision to part ways.
An approach to separation and divorce that supports you and your spouse, hopefully collaborative or mediation. It’s up to you both.
A trusted attorney or attorney/mediator.
A community to guide and advocate for you, including your attorney/mediator, financial professional and family transition specialists to help with co-parenting, children, coaching, selling the house or vocational issues as needed.
It’s a Process:
Check-in periodically with yourself and available support to determine what’s important daily and going forward, the following should help with identifying what’s needed to maintain confidence, while so much is happening.
Clarify and define your values, share and apply them to help you transition into new circumstances. One of our best guides during times of change and uncertainty, the deeper values we all have.
So take time to reflect on what really matters. What’s important now? In this moment and in the big picture.
Name what matters and what is of concern, say it out loud to those who can hear it, receive support from family, friends, neighbors and therapists.
Communicate openly with others as you proceed, talking about what matters, pulls the conversation into meaningful and productive channels at the divorce table.
Consider best ways and timing to communicate with your partner; get a sense of what you can discuss favorably on your own and when you need a third party present.
Perhaps keep a journal of this journey, which could be the most difficult chapter in your life so far.
Managing overwhelm is a big part of this process. Consider the benefit of structure that nurtures you daily and weekly. Confidence comes from doing what’s important to do. Remember those values?
Take time to plan and keep yourself on track as you process tons of material; legally, financially, concerns about your children, the house, spousal support…..
Maintain healthy, existing approaches to planning and routines-Keep being the you, you know.
Break this divorce project down into doable, fathomable steps. Get organized, with an eye on the big picture and prioritize. Your team can help you prioritize too. What’s important to do today? Tonight? Tomorrow morning? This week? Next week?
Acknowledge your progress, and share if possible. Take credit for what you’re doing!
Consider where you might place boundaries around your time, increasing the ability to focus and prioritize; speak clearly about these boundaries.
Is it necessary to heal from an abusive relationship? That adds another layer to your thoughts and feelings as you navigate through all of this. A focus on self-care strengthens and further clarifies what’s important to you personally, easing the path to an authentic you.
Minimize exposure to bullying, gas-lighting and dismissive treatment from the other party; tap your divorce team, friends and family for reinforcement. Protect yourself from unfruitful interactions.
Begin to address internal psychological issues that present barriers to independence, worry, shame and doubt, loss of self-value and sense of agency, perfectionism and procrastination. Mental health care is available.
Trust your perceptions and surround yourself with people who validate you, as well as offer alternative perspectives.
Catch and list questions you have about what’s happening. Check to see you’re not making assumptions about things or allowing yourself to be pulled along by a soon-to-be-ex that’s in a big hurry.
Remember this is a vulnerable time, don’t be too hard on yourself; shift negative self talk to something more encouraging and tolerant of current challenges. Love and self-acceptance go a long way when fear and doubt are present.
Attend to individual health care needs, rest, diet and exercise. Walk with a friend. Start a mindfulness practice and/or book a massage. Like any recipe, change up your self-care ingredients depending on what’s assessable.
Open or maintain your own individual bank account.
Connect with the world, maybe look for a job; follow through on any discoveries of late, revisit community and interests you’ve always liked. Keep things in perspective, don’t isolate.
When time permits visit family, friends and colleagues, kiddo’s friends. Volunteer. Sports, the arts, music, gardening and spiritual groups can steady your outlook. Spend time in nature.
Consider career options if you’re not working. Assess and explore meaningful opportunities wherever you come across them. Track these discoveries and investigate further in person. Increase your readiness for job search. It feels great to be included and respected outside the home!
Struggling with decision-making? Establish criteria; think about what needs to be considered. Review options from a pros and cons perspective. Take the time you need. Don’t be rushed, but find a way to stick with it.
Stay connected with your attorney/mediator and team; speak up about what concerns you. Offer your thoughts about how to proceed if your process starts to stall.
To Serve:
Over time, you may notice that you’re fretting less and speaking your mind more. What was once a blur, is taking a shape. Life is unfolding according to your choices and discretion; family is more settled and you have hope for your future.